My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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