I accidentally had phone sex last night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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