Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My dick has a subreddit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
