I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What a dumb baby whore.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
