she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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