You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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