ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
