I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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