One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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