She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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