I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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