I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
