guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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