your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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