So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
