Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
