I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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