Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
