Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
