WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
