I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
