I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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