She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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