I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
