either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
