Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
