I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
