she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
