so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize