I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
