**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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