I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
