My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
