I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize