were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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