We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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