You can't special order awesome
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
