I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
