I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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