it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
