3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
