seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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