she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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