the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
