I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize