I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize