I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
