Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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