theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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