Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize