what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
