Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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