your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Randomize