My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
