Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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