Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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